Now that I live in New York City, I am constantly reminded of the stereotypes that exist concerning my native state of Alaska. People I meet typically ask the same questions – about how dark it gets, or how we survive in the wilderness – and I can always feel a vague sort of disappointment when I share my stories. The truth is, I have very little experience with the wild side of Alaska. My wilderness survival kit consisted pretty much of my iPhone and a pair of headphones so I could stream the Seattle Mariners games, and I was more concerned with the speed of my Netflix account than with avalanches and packs of murderous wolves.
This means that, while I may not be able to tell you about the dangers of the final frontier, I am well-versed in the dangers people face when venturing north in film and television. My finely-honed survival skills are a product of years spent watching movies set in Alaska; and so, inspired by this weekend’s release of The Grey, here is my list of all the dangers you might face in Alaska and how best to deal with them. And remember, if any of these seem less-than-factual, I would kindly like to remind you that only one of us is actually from Alaska, and it isn’t you. So shut up already.
Plane Crashes
Survival Tips Courtesy Of: The Grey, Alaska, The Edge
We can name this Survival Rule #1 or, if you prefer, the rule of “Chekov’s Plane.” Any time you see a character get on a plane in a movie set in Alaska, that bitch is going down. It doesn’t matter if the character is a bush pilot with thousands of hours of experience or a commercial airliner, there will soon be a shot of airline wreckage scattered across the snow. So the first real survival tip is, hey, don’t get on a plane in Alaska. However, if you absolutely must fly, there are several things you can do to improve your chances of survival. First of all, don’t be the pilot. If you happen to have a pilot’s license, for the love of God, let someone else fly. And second of all, if your plane is going down, aim for the side of a mountain. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the survival rates on cinematic plane crashes don’t lie. The plane in The Grey landed in a snowfield, and almost everyone died. The plane in The Edge landed in a lake, and one-out-of-four people died. But the plane in Alaska? Straight into the side of a cliff, and we’re looking at a 100% survival rate! True, it was only one guy, and it is a children’s movie, but math is math.
The Undead
Survival Tips Courtesy Of: 30 Days of Night, Resident Evil: Extinction
“Is it always dark in Alaska?” I get this question a lot, but I know what the person is really asking: do we have to worry about vampires? The answer is yes, constantly. During the winter, stores have an 800% mark-up on garlic. Extra priests are flown in from Washington and Oregon to make sure that we have a continuous supply of holy water. Small children spend the summer months bottling sunshine to put outside our doors and scare off the vampires. Thankfully, the undead are at a bit of a disadvantage – as the blood of vampires and zombies no longer circulates, many of them will freeze solid during the winter. This leads the annual spring “Vampire Explode-Off,” where everyone brings the frozen vampire statutes that they’ve collected and whole towns gather to watch them explode into puffs of smoke. As far as rules for survival go, if you’ve seen one monster movie, you know the basics. Sunlight for vampires, headshots for zombies. Why do you think so many Alaskans own guns? One last note – if you’re traveling through Alaska and are a bit of a goth person, leave the black lipstick and the Goodwill prom dress at home or face the consequences.
Wild Animals
Survival Tips Courtesy Of: The Grey, The Edge
Both of the above movies depict Alaskan wildlife (namely, wolves and a giant-ass bear, respectively) that stalk the humans and demonstrate a savage intelligence in their desire to kill. But should we really be afraid of bears and wolves? P.E.T.A., for example, has been all over the recent release of The Grey for its negative depiction of wolves. Likewise, most safety tips regarding bears make no mention of designing homemade spears or hitting them in the face with torches. So who to believe? Animal activists and park rangers, or Hollywood? In Hollywood’s favor, it has been right about many things in the past, ranging from the secrets of the DaVinci code to the upcoming global disaster (starring John Cusack!) in 2012. I say, believe Hollywood. And that is why you should always travel with automatic rifles in shatter-proof cases. Maybe wolves won’t stalk you and eat your friends. If they do, would you rather be fighting them with a knife and beer bottles strapped to your fingers, or an AK-47? Imagine you shooting at swarms of arctic wolves in slow motion, maybe with “Mad World” by Gary Jules playing on your iPod. It won’t make the animal activists happy, but it would make for a pretty good movie.
Murderous Rampages
Survival Tips Courtesy of: Insomnia, X-Files episode “Ice”
As if the prospect of monsters and killer animals wasn’t enough, we often have to worry about people who have gone crazy and want to kill us too. Alaska has the dubious honor of ranking 2nd among states in suicide rates – book-ended between Montana and Wyoming which, let’s face it, makes sense – so we already know that Alaska is full of emotionally volatile people. Throw in the harsh winters, lack of sunlight, and desolation, and you’ve got yourself a crockpot of violence (I’m always surprised that the relationship-stress comedy The Proposal didn’t end with Ryan Reynolds going all Jack Torrance on Sandra Bullock). All it takes is a little bit of a push. Sometimes that can be a simple accident that takes place on a foggy night, other times it can be an alien parasite that gets into your bloodstream and controls your brain. Either way, preventative measures are often the cure. Always travel through Alaska with a large supply of stress balls and scented candles. Never look an Alaskan straight in the eye, as they may view that as a challenge and charge. And most importantly, never, ever bring up Sarah Palin. Murderous rage will ensue.
Idealism
Survival Tips Courtesy of: Into the Wild
None. You’re fucked.
