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Marta (Anna Jimskaia) and Dario (Max Parodi) have only been married a measly six months, and yet, in such a short amount of time, the sex has already gone down the toilet. Dario seems to have lost that extra thrust needed to proficiently empty out Marta’s oil well and it only leaves her wanting, no, scratch that, needing more to satisfy her overly pressurized needs. What’s a girl to do? Her desire to fill her the void that Dario has left gaping wide open, drives her promiscuity to a level where she becomes easily susceptible to the sexual prowess of a handsome stranger named Leon (Riccardo Marino). It’s quite difficult for any women to avoid falling for such a guy. You know, the type that will go straight for a handshake with your all-beef patty, simply disregarding the whole “HI, I’m Leon. Nice to meet you,” aspect of trying to fuck some one. But hey, it seems to work on Marta and despite pretending to fight off his advances at first, a whirlwind, sexually driven fling between the two begins.

Directed by Tinto Brass, a filmmaker that is clearly not a wicked old man pervert (despite having his hands all over the film’s star, Anna Jimskaia’s, port hole in the behind the scenes video), has crafted something I’d like to refer to as the dirtiest movie I have ever seen. And no, it’s not even so much the sexual elements that are what make Monamour grimy (but those can be pretty nas-tay, too), it’s the poor grooming and lack of hygiene of the characters that are worthy of at least one round of tetanus shots. You know your characters are as dirty as an episode of Hoarders when the film’s opening SEX scene starts with a shot of Leon’s pimple covered ass. Incredibly, this is really not all that nasty compared to what Marta has in store in terms of overall cleanliness. Prepare yourself.

Exactly.

First of all, this chick is a chin hair away from being a full-bred Sasquatch -  something that may actually be a bit insulting to the Sasquatch community – with the full beard she sports down below and her matching armpit goatees, this woman is in dire need of a haircut and shave. But ya know, I can deal with the body hair to a point. I did live in Vermont for a winter. One thing I have never seen, however, is a girl that seems to be so free with her bathroom antics, specifically with going pee. This classy broad takes a piss every chance she gets, and this may be an odd question, but do girls normally like to drop trou and pee in front of whoever’s around at the time? Even carrying on convos with their friends while they’re sitting across from each other without seeing something even slightly strange about it?

I mean, I guess it’s better than if Marta were to be taking dumps in front of people all the time (I wouldn’t put it past her, though), but this chick pissing constantly is not at all normal. Maybe she has an enlarged prostate. I don’t know. To make the whole ‘pissing constantly thing’ even worse, is not once did I see her come close to washing her hands afterwards. No soap, no water. That’s how shit like fucking SARS becomes an epidemic. Like, how gross can you get? Well, as gross as in this one scene where, without even the slightest bit of hesitation, she decides to put her fingers in her recently peed pussy to give her chuck roast a good stir. Maybe she should just go all the way and use those same fingers to eat a bowl of coleslaw after she’s done. You know, to make sure that I definitely puke.

I could on and on about the filth that is Marta and her urine coated death trap. In fact, I think I will. Making sure to spread her new form of E. coli in as many places as she can, not only does Marta refuse to wash her hands, but she also refuses to wear panties. And of course, being as horny as Marta is, she sees fit to place her always-open meat canister on anything and everything she can get her cunny on. From wicker chairs and park benches, to metal railings that are sure to rust immediately afterwards, nothing is safe from this filth. She just rubs that shit all over the place, spreading her hybrid urinary tract infection everywhere for everyone to enjoy!

As disgusting as Marta is, I cannot help but wonder what new and advanced viruses are festering inside of Leon, who, as I mentioned before, loves to play patty cake with Marta’s ever-open sewer hole. Clearly, Leon must be unaware that Marta is MC Pee Pants as not only does he play with her vag, he often proceeds to SMELL HIS FINGERS AFTERWARDS!! But to make things worse, he even goes as far as to PUT THOSE SAME FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH!!! *Editors Note: As I type this, I am barfing violently. Please, call 911* In Leon’s defense, at least he uses soap. Not so much to wash his hands as he prefers to spackle it all over Marta’s “beautiful” brown spot before playing a little live-action ‘The Decent’ with her darkest of caverns. But hey, at least he’s heading in the right direction.

One thing that I found to be fascinating in Monamour is the way Italian dude’s penises look. You see, when you have a penis, it changes depending on blood flow. It goes from small and wobbly to (hopefully) big and strong, and this is all very normal, mind you. Now, for some reason the male penis in Monamour makes odd transformations, and somewhere between drooping tube sock and full tilt boogie, they turn into these gigantic rubber dicks that are clearly not made of flesh and blood. I mean, when the cock color changes and you can see the thin seem from the mold running down its side, there is clearly something wrong. Not that I was looking or anything.

I wonder exactly who is supposed to be finding any of this crap hot. I know this is Italy, and maybe hairy, worn-out moose knuckles attached to dirty chicks with pee hands are hot in that country, but this film is more likely to incite vomit out of my throat rather than yogurt out of my, well, you get the picture. Monamour, quite frankly, is something I just cannot wrap my head around. It’s too hard to be soft-core, and too disgusting to get anyone hard, so I’m not sure what the point of this film is? I guess the point is to never ever go to Italy without at least two gallons of bleach and a referral from your doctor. Thanks for the warning, Monamour.